Heart and Soul
by kayleighchaos093
Summary: Ian's Point of view for chapter 56 'Welded' from Stephenie Meyers's 'The Host.' Ian struggles to convince Wanderer  Wanda  That she doesnt have to leave.


**Chapter 56 of Stephenie Meyers's 'The Host' in Ian's POV. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or events in this chapter. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

"_That _wouldn't_ be fair would it?" Wanderer, Wanda whispered in Melanie's voice to the other soul, so much like herself. Sunlight Passing through the Ice, Sunny. Sunny was like _

_Wanda, compassionate and selfless; and I silently walked up behind Wanda, itching to wrap my arm around her waist. I didn't care at all anymore what Jared thought. It may be his girlfriend's body, but Wanda was the personality behind it all. Melanie would have to deal, and so would Jared. But my attention was captured by the rest of Wanda's words. "But I don't get to stay, Sunny. I have to go too. And soon. Maybe we'll leave together." _

_She paused, thinking through her next words, and at first the words made no sense to me. Go where? "I have to go, Sunny, just like you. I have to give my body back too."_

_A fierce wave of heat seemed to course through me, like fire that made my blood boil. My head started to spin and barely a second had passed before I instinctively broke the quite by lashing out "What?" _

_Chapter 56: Welded_

Breathing heavily I glared down at Wanda in irrational anger. She had taken her selfless disregard for herself too far this time. Wanda's eyes widened in shock as my own bored holes into hers, my heart thumping in my ears and the silence was even more profound then before, though I hardly noticed.

"Ian?" Kyle asked in a confused voice. I barely glanced at him. "What's the problem?"

Ignoring his question, my teeth clenched together in an effort to stifle the words that wanted to flow angrily from my heart to my soul, my Wanda. "Wanda," her name was swathed in fury, sounding aggressive through my teeth. I held my hand out anxiously to her, the muscles and tendons in my hand were twitching.

Her expression changed from one of confusion to sadness in that moment, and I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that it didn't have to be that way. But I was so irrationally angered with her still that I became impatient, and I grabbed her arm and yanked her off the floor. The other one, Sunny, was still clinging to Wanda, and I shook Wanda roughly until the girl let go.

Kyle, in an odd twist of fate rose to the defense of the Soul, Sunny. "What is _with _you?"

Maybe all my building resentment these past couple months towards my brother had finally reached a breaking point. The reason I lifted my knee and sent my foot full force into my face was not something I was concerned with though, and the sound it made gave me a deep sense of satisfaction.

"Ian!" Wanda cried. It still irked me that she felt she needed to defend Kyle at all, so I ignored her. Sunny threw herself in front of my brother, in rather the same way Wanda had for Jared when she first came, and Kyle toppled back to the floor, holding his gushing nose.

"C'mon," I growled, pulling her out of Doc's hospital, not even bothering to look back, not even caring enough to feel the least bit repentant.

She tried again. "Ian—"

I kept pulling her quickly down the tunnel, letting my feet take me instinctively where I needed to go. The dark did nothing to hinder me. However, very suddenly Jared was blocking my exit.

"Have you lost your mind, Ian?" His face was red in outrage. "What are you doing to her?"

"Did you know about this?" I accused loudly. There was a whimper behind me, my harsh voice effecting either Sunny or the unnamed woman who had been the Healer's host.

"You're going to hurt her!" Jared cried, his eye's locking on my grip on Wanda's arm. To him it was Melanie's arm though, he cared nothing for Wanda. It only made me angrier.

"Do you know what she's planning?" Of course he knew. How could I have been so blind to all this? Wanda was living amongst us for too long, she was either becoming better at deception or I was too lost to care. Jared's expression showed it all, everything he had known and had chosen not to share. Anything if it meant getting his girlfriend back.

I clenched my hand into a fist and made forceful contact with his nose in a blindingly quick strike.

"Ian, stop," Wanda begged. I could only think to respond childishly, "_You _stop." While I tugged her around the shocked Jared and through the tunnel once more. I could hear her stumbling, and I thought to slow down, but I couldn't make my legs comply. I wanted to have her alone, away from the influence of others. I wanted Melanie to be gone from her head so I could for once just have her to myself. I was furious, I wanted to knock some sense into her, I was terrified, I was… too much. It was all too much, and it was easier to let my anger lead me.

"O'Shea!" Jared called, though he sounded as if he hadn't made much progress in following.

"_I'm _going to hurt her?" I roared, turning my head slightly in his direction somewhere behind us. "_I _am? _You hypocritical swine!" _How could he tell me I was going to hurt Wanda when he was going to sit back and watch her sacrifice her life here on earth?

He never said anything back.

The darkness continued, and Wanda continued to stumble. My long fingers were overlapping each other on her arm as I sped up, every cell in my body screaming out in an untranslatable cry. I wasn't sure what I wanted, nothing seemed worth anything without her.

Suddenly a small moan of pain passed through her lips and I felt like I had slammed into a tangible wall. _What was I doing? _I was appalled at myself, my eyes widening in the darkness.

"Ian, Ian, I…" _She _was attempting to apologize to _me? _Typical Wanda. I felt a rush of remorse and I instantly bent to knock her knees out from underneath her, catching the top half of her body and before she was completely settled in my arms, I started to run.

I tried being gentle, tried to remind myself who it was I was carrying, but that only made me want to run faster. I ran through the plaza, ignoring the startled stares of my odd family, those who were still confused at what was happening at Doc's. The sight of my angry face and that of Wanda's scared expression in my arms might not have been reassuring. I didn't care.

I kept running until I reached the mismatching doors to my 'room.' I kicked one of the doors out of my way impatiently, then set Wanda on the mattress more roughly then I had intended. My need to be alone was not forgotten, and I immediately turned to slam the door back in its place in one swift movement.

Anger unabated, I stared at her attempting to catch my breath. She sat up on her knees and offered her hands, palms up, to me in a gesture that's true meaning neither one of us were sure of. The words that had struggled to break free moments ago seemed to have been lost, and so the first words I could think of were not eloquent at all. They escaped through clenched teeth and taunt jaw muscles. "You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me."

"Ian," she whispered painfully, "You have to see that…that I can't stay. You _must_ see that."

"_No!" _I screamed at her, and that word seemed to have broken me. My knees gave out and I fell to a heap in front of her, my head falling into her lap and I clung onto her, trying to physically force her to remain with me there forever. I sobbed. I was shaking and choking and the emotional pain was met by the physical pain of contorting muscles. I couldn't lose her. I _couldn't. _"Wanda." I moaned

"No, Ian, No. Don't, please. Please don't." she begged me. I could hear the tears in her voice as well as she stroked my hair in a desperate attempt to sooth me.

My world was crumbling around me, when everything had just started to fall to place. Even here, in the aftermath of an invasion of our species, when humanity was on the brink of extinction, I was finding where I belonged. Only to have it ripped away by some distorted concept of right and wrong. "You can't leave," I said, pulling her closer.

"I have to, I have to," and she was sobbing with me, and we continued like that for an immeasurable amount of time, communicating wordlessly.

I struggled to compose myself after a while, knowing that nothing was going to be solved in this manner. I couldn't bring myself to feel embarrassed about the tears. They were justified and I could not have chosen a more worthy person to bare my soul to, so to speak.

"Sorry," I whispered, hearing her sniff away the last of her own tears. For now. "I was mean."

"No, no. _I'm _sorry. I should have told you, when you didn't guess. I just… I couldn't. I didn't want to tell you—to hurt you—to hurt me. It was selfish." I had the sudden urge to laugh. Wanda? Selfish? But humor was uncalled for.

"We need to talk about this Wanda," I said quietly but firmly, looking into her eyes. "It's not a done deal. It can't be."

"It is."

I wouldn't accept that.

Shaking my head I asked, "How long? How long have you been planning this?

"Since the Seeker," she whispered, and her answer did not surprise me at all. Of course she would have expected Doc and Jared to see it as inevitable; Doc to finally learn what he had been coveting for years and Jared so he would be with Melanie again.

"And you thought that you had to give up your secret to save her. I can understand that. But that doesn't mean you have to go anywhere. Just because Doc knows now… that doesn't _mean _anything. If I'd thought for one minute that it did, that one action equaled the other, I wouldn't have stood there and let you show him. No one is going to force you to lie down on his blasted gurney! I'll break his hands if he tries to touch you!" There was that anger again.

Wanda saw it, and her eyes flashed with alarm. "Ian, please."

"They can't make you Wanda!" I nearly yelled; the injustice of it all fanning the flames that had smoldered for a while beneath my tears. "Do you hear me?"

"no one is making me," Wanda explained. "I didn't show Doc how to do the separation so that I could save the seeker. The seeker's being here just made me have to decide… faster. I did it to save Mel, Ian."

Mel. He had tried so hard to make the unseen (well actually, unheard. Wanda was the body unseen,) woman like him, but at that moment he wanted nothing more then for her to disappear like she had when Jamie was sick. Everyone here was concerned about Mel it seemed, and to an extent he could understand. But when they looked over Wanda, he became angry at the injustice of it all, especially when Wanda did the injustice to herself.

"She's trapped in here, Ian. It's like a prison—worse than that; I can't even describe it. She's like a ghost. And I can free her. I can her herself back."

"You deserve I life, too, Wanda. You deserve to stay."

"But I _love _her, Ian."

I closed my eyes. The words made me wonder at how that had happened. How Wanda and Melanie had formed a bond inside one mine. But mostly I wondered at how she could love someone she had no peace from, who knew her every thought and shared her every experience, but she could not love me?

"But I love _you," _I whispered agonizingly. "Doesn't that matter?"

"Of course it matters. So much. Can't you see? That only makes it more… necessary." How did it matter to her? That she had an ally here when there were still a few, mainly Sharon and Maggie, who were against her? Or was that her way of returning the sentiment? Maybe she was just being kind, just being Wanda.

I opened my eyes and glared at her. "Is it so unbearable to have me love you? Is that it? I can keep my mouth shut, Wanda. I won't say it again. You can be with Jared, if that's what you want. Just stay."

That would be painful, to watch her love someone else. But it would be nothing compared to if she left me.

"No, Ian!" Her small hands came up to cup my face, and her eyebrows were furrowed in sorrow. "No. I—I love you, too. Me, the little silver worm in the back of her head. But my body doesn't love you. It can't love you. I can never love you in this body, Ian. It pulls me in two. It's unbearable."

She loved me too. Oddly, after having work so hard towards this moment, I wasn't happy about her profession. It made me feel worse. Worse to know that she had accepted these feelings and still chose to move on because of the body she inhabited. It wasn't fair to Ian, and it most definitely was not fair to her.

I closed my eyes again, the sorrow bringing tears to my eyes again. A couple seconds passed by, then I felt arms, her arms around my neck. She was pulling herself closer until I could feel her breathing against my skin. Then she was kissing me.

Instinctively I pulled her closer, my hands on her waist, and I could taste our tears mixing together, out lips melting into one, and every crevice of our bodies indistinguishable from the other.

Her reaction wasn't immediately as profound as mine. She moved like an electric current beneath my skin, a sensation swooped through my stomach and I my thoughts were nothing but her. Gradually her fervor was nearly as tantamount as my own, and I knew then that something had changed.

I changed. My love, finally reciprocated, was deeper. Unbreakable.

I felt her begin to cry, and I realized she must have felt the change too, must have realized how much harder this would be for us both in the end. I kissed her eyes, kissed away the tears as my own threatened to escape once more. "Don't cry Wanda. Don't cry. You're staying with me." It was more to assure myself then anything. I wanted to make myself believe that this change will have made her see reason, that all this is a silly mistake.

"Eight full lives," she whispered, her lips moving softly against my jaw. "Eight full lives and I never found anyone I would stay on a planet for, anyone I would follow when they left. I never found a partner. Why now? Why you? You're not of my species. How can you be my partner?"

"It's a strange universe," I murmured, allowing myself to see what she saw, the impossibility of it. Like a fish loving a bird.

"It's not fair," she complained, and it wasn't. It wasn't fair that she decides to leave me now. I hugged her closer yet. "I love you." She whispered.

"Don't say that like you're saying goodbye." A plan had started to formulate in my head, a way to make her see reason…

Carefully, choosing her words precisely, she said, "I, the soul called Wanderer, love you, human Ian. And that will never change, no matter what I might become." If I were a Dolphin or a Bear or a Flower, it wouldn't matter. I would always love you, always remember you. You will be my only partner."

The words touched me and angered me at the same time. The thought of her being so far away from me, yet loving me?

"You're not wandering off anywhere. You're staying here." My tone left no room for argument, but that wasn't in Wanda's nature.

"Ian—"

"This isn't just for me." I said, coming to this conclusion quickly. "You're a part of this community, and you aren't getting kicked out without a discussion. You are far too important to us all—even the ones who would never admit it. We need you."

"No one's kicking me out Ian,"

"No." I said firmly. "Not even yourself, Wanderer."

I kissed her again, in a rough frenzy with the need to show her she was mine, that I needed her. When I spoke of everyone needing her, it was true, but more particularly myself. I would not let her take on the crazy role of a martyr when it was completely unnecessary.

I wrapped a hand in her hair and pulled back. "Good or bad?" I asked in reference to the first time we had kissed, when she was still so lost in the emotions that were Melanie's, not hers.

"Good."

"That's what I thought." I said gruffly, kissing her and pulling her so close and so insistently that I started to feel her gasping for air.

I moved my lips to her ear. "Let's go."

"Where? Where are we going?" she asked. She didn't sound reluctant at all to be going with him, only genuinely curious.

"Don't give me any trouble about this, Wanderer," I warned, not sure what compelled me to use her full name. Maybe it was the intimacy of the moment. "I'm half out of my mind."

We were on our feet when she asked, "Where?"

"You're going down the eastern tunnel, past the field, to the end."

"The game room?"

"Yes. And then you are going to wait there until I get the rest of them." By rest I meant only Jeb, Jared and Doc. If Jamie were older he would be able to handle the situation, but not now. Besides, Ian had a suspicion he would want his sister back in control of her own body, despite his own kind of love for Wanda.

"Why?" Wanderer inquired.

"Because this _will _be discussed. I'm calling a tribunal, Wanderer, and you are going to abide by our decision.


End file.
